Weddings and divorces, betrayal, betrayal of loved ones, happiness that cannot (or is it still possible?) To build on the misfortune of other people, midlife crises - what women do not talk about with each other: over a cup of coffee, at work in a smoking room, in a friend's kitchen. And of course, they discuss men, who, as a rule, are the main evil and the cause of all our women's troubles. And what do men themselves think of all this? What is the basis of these or those, sometimes such illogical, from our female point of view, actions? Here is such a heap of questions we threw down on the practical psychologist and psychoanalyst Yevgeny Sayapin.
"SP": - Eugene, just such a question, perhaps a little provocative: how often do men marry their mistresses? How typical is this for them?
- It happens really not often. (More than 80% of men, according to some statistics, are not ready for such a choice - Ed.) But let's clarify the situation: a man lives in a family, and has had a relationship with his mistress for several years.
"SP": - Well, yes. And one day he faces a choice.
- So simply he will not face a choice. Something must happen: for example, she will say: dear, I am pregnant and will soon give birth to you, she begins to blackmail either with an abortion or that his wife finds out about everything. That's when he has to make a decision.
"SP": - You gave an extreme example. And if there were no threats, well, for example: a certain number of years have passed in marriage and the man for some reason suddenly became free again. He has a choice: to marry his mistress, who has been waiting for him for so long, and with whom everything seems to be going well for them so far. Or hope to build a new relationship with some other woman. And if, nevertheless, he stopped his choice on a relationship "tested" over the years - what happens then, during the transition from the "eternal holiday" and the absence of serious obligations to the family routine. Have you ever had such couples among your clients?
- There are a lot of such cases, and among my clients too. I can tell right away that this does not end with anything good. If a man betrays his first wife, then he, in turn, will also be betrayed, and more than once. This is the law.
And then, you say "many years." The period of testosterone release that accompanies falling in love is 8-10 months, well, up to a year. And if during this "acute" period the man does not dare to break up with his wife for the sake of his mistress, then it will be difficult to push him to this step. After a year, addiction begins, energy exhausting each other, quarrels and claims. And as a result - parting, or some far from festive things..
A more interesting and global question, it seems to me, is why men cheat at all? Despite the fact that they generally do not like to go far. Do you know, for example, that in practice, men cheat on their wives most often with their girlfriends?
"SP": - Why is this so - from male cynicism, or from boredom?
- No, just out of laziness. No need to go far
"SP": - Yeah.
“But that's not even the most disgusting thing. Recently a woman came to me for a consultation and said: my husband left me. I did not have time to say anything to her in response, but she clarifies: they say, the other has gone neither to the woman, but to another man. And now she does not know how to live with this. Both for forty-five years, her husband had not been seen in anything "like that" before. And after 45 he suddenly jumped. This, by the way, happens. 45 - the age when a man undergoes a serious internal restructuring, the mood jumps back and forth and the most unexpected desires for him may arise.
"SP": - And what did you advise this woman in such a difficult situation?
- The task of the psychologist is not to give any advice, just to show the options.First of all, it is necessary for the person to decide for himself: what does he want from this relationship? Does the woman see herself in the future next to this man? It depends on what she needs: work to build relationships or break.
Video cut (advertisement)
In this case, it sounded categorical: "to break!" And then the most important thing to learn is to live independently, without this person. And to live inside your resentment, when her, by the way, strong-willed woman, the leader in the family, the business woman was exchanged, and even for another man! Oddly enough, the husband, crushed in the family by a too strong woman, went to another man for female warmth!
"SP": - Why didn't he go to another woman for this very warmth ?!
- Yes, it sounds paradoxical, but if you women give us life, then for the same life and spread rot. Demanding male actions, do not allow these actions to be performed
"SP": - Well, the question is a little aside. Let's imagine that somewhere there are ideal wives who understand everything and do not "spread rot". Could there be a situation that husbands will not cheat on them, or they cheat always and everywhere, by nature?
- There are such men in the world, but very, very rarely. And, I must confess, everyone else looks at them, to put it mildly, with surprise as well as aliens. Why is that? Have you ever asked yourself this question?
"SP": - It is interesting to hear in response the point of view of a man
- And this is not even my point of view. At the beginning of the last century, Jung and representatives of his philosophical school answered this question. Men are more likely than women to be afraid. And leaving the seed in one woman, the second or the tenth, we think that at any moment we can return for this seed. Behind this energy. And as a rule, such a frequent change of partners is a usual (for a man) cure for fear of fear of loneliness, unfulfillment, fear that you will not be appreciated.
"SP": - In other words - men create spare airfields for themselves ?! As BG sang: "In every port my sister is waiting for me, wants to save me"
- You could say that. Yes, this weakness, maybe, but it is inherent in nature, genetically.
"SP": - But what about the myth of the "strong field"?
- Yes, what are you talking about! The stronger sex is if the kettlebell needs to be lifted. And energetically women are much stronger. That is why you live longer than we do.
"SP": - Why does it turn out in life that women need men so badly, and they seem to be able to do just fine without them? Or do they pretend?
- Nevertheless, when men are left alone, without women, they die faster. And women survive. Isn't it a paradox? And by the way, do not think that these men are all such bastards. Having started working in a hospital and listening to a variety of stories from life, I realized that about 90-95 percent of women cheated on their husbands!
"SP": - And men - and all 100 percent, as I understand it?
- And this is also a myth. A lot of men, as they say, only spread their fingers apart, but they don't know how to approach a woman. Much depends on various reasons, and not least on upbringing.
"SP": - So maybe the marriage is not needed at all?
- Marriage is an agreement, including with the state, to which you promise to replenish the population, give birth to children. Why, then, when this agreement is terminated, children almost always remain with their mother? If we knew exactly what we will gain or lose as a result of the conclusion of such an agreement, then, probably, marriages would be more deliberate.
"SP": - As far as we know about similar experience in other countries, especially European ones - there legislation is strictly guarding the interests of families and children, so European men will think a hundred times more before marrying or divorcing. And it is not very customary to marry young people there - old friends will not invite such a couple to their home, they may stop communicating with their families.
- This is so, but obediently observing the laws, European men at the same time regularly go to the left on a paid basis, so to speak, unlike ours, who do not like to pay at all, traditionally preferring sex “for free”. Only for this, you first need to get into the soul, and then get everything else.
"SP": - It turns out that the better a person knows you, the more vulnerable you are.
- There is a very accurate phrase: only the neighbor betrays and sells.But this, by the way, is very dangerous for the betrayer himself, because the life programs of loved ones are very strongly intertwined, they interact according to many parameters. And what we call betrayal leads to a deep breakdown of these very programs.
"SP": - What is the way out?
- Only one, in my opinion - a deliberate dialogue. To speak frankly about what you want and what you don’t want, what you like, what you dream about. After all, a person is given intelligence and language, the ability to express his thoughts, in order to speak honestly and openly both with himself and with other people.