When we talk about domestic violence, we imagine an alcoholic husband punching his wife. But violence can be more than physical. Here are 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship from which to save yourself - and your children.
- Humiliation and insults. “But who needs you like that,” “you should lose weight” - such expressions should never be, even in the heat of a quarrel or under the sauce “I'm telling the truth, I wish you well”. A special chic is when a husband humiliates his wife in the presence of shocked friends (yes, it happens!).
- Unreasonable jealousy. Does your husband delve into your past or make a scandal if you greeted a classmate at the store? These are not funny expressions of love and not the fear of losing you, but direct evidence that they do not trust you. Remember the tragedy of Margarita Gracheva from Serpukhov - here it is, the finale of the marriage with Othello.
- Severe restrictions on money. The spouse gives out 500 rubles for a week, demanding full lunches and dinners, reproaches the costs of diapers ("But how did our grandmothers live without them?") And requires a detailed report with receipts. You are forced to make excuses, any attempts to find a part-time job are ridiculed, condemned and suppressed. Are you sure this is a decree and not slavery?
- Limiting the circle of communication. There is a strict prohibition on communicating with familiar men (do we remember about jealousy?), Girlfriends are completely "envious hens who want to ruin our marriage", and close relatives "I didn't please with something."
- Guilt. It is always with you, even in the most transparent situations, when you are right. The abuser husband will easily explain his late arrival by saying that he did not want to see your "sour face" or, saying "think for yourself why," he will be meaningfully silent for several hours. What can we say about childcare! He cries because you are “nutty,” you fed the wrong person, took him to the wrong doctors, and in general you cannot trust the child.
- Restriction in movement. Did you drop in for tea at your mom's or an old friend's and didn't make it home before His Majesty's arrival? Three days of boycott at least: the wife must wait for her husband at home! Gradually, scandals will begin after a "too long" trip to the doctor or a run to a nearby store for bread. And washing in the shower will be accompanied by angry knocking and shouts: "Well, are you there soon ?!"
- Gaslighting is a suggestion that you are mentally inadequate. If you often hear “I didn’t say that” / “I said this a hundred times, don’t you remember?” and even an affectionate "You are so silly!", you are credited with schizophrenia and hallucinations and sigh: "Anyone would run away from such an inadequate!" - it's time for you to run.
- Compulsion to have sex. The days of "Domostroi" are long gone, but men (and women!) With the attitude "he is a man, he needs it, this is a conjugal duty" are still alive. An adequate man will calmly accept the refusal of intimacy, go to bed or retire to the bathroom. Abuser - will begin to beg, threaten, accuse of dislike and frigidity. Well, or simply will take you by force - you will not go to write a statement to the police on the father of your child?
- Punishment system. Pick up the phone, take away food for the day, lock the houses, take away the passport, outerwear - this is how an abuser husband considers himself entitled to "teach" his wife. There is always a reason: dust on the refrigerator, a question asked in the wrong tone, too long a conversation on the phone.
- Unpredictable behavior. It is clear that if the husband's behavior consisted entirely of the previous nine points, you would never go with him to the registry office. Before marriage, such men usually carry women in their arms, singing their beauty and promising the sky in diamonds. In the marriage itself, negative moments will be interspersed with declarations of love and - necessarily - a reverent attitude towards the child. At such moments it will seem to you that it has always been so. But all of a sudden, hell starts all over again, no matter how hard you try to be the perfect wife. Such "swing" is confusing, and sometimes it seems to you that you live with two different men.
Over time, psychological abuse can develop into physical abuse, but even without it, you and your children will be severely traumatized, devastated and unhappy. Often, victims of abusers commit suicide.
How do parents' conflicts affect children? Psychologists name such negative consequences as increased anxiety, enuresis, sleep disturbances, aggression or withdrawal, depression, guilt. Older children may run away from home. A grown-up child can transfer the pattern of behavior of a father or mother to his family.
What to do if you get into a relationship with an abuser:
- Read Tanya Tank "Fear, I'm With You", Lundy Bancroft "Why is he doing this?", Or the book "Run. Tormentors. Manipulators "
- Seek help from a friend, mom, sister.
- If you are afraid that they will not understand you, call the helpline: 8 800 7000-600; 8 499 977 20 10; 8 812 327 30 00.
- Run, not hoping that with time it will get better and "he will understand and correct himself." There are no funds and no one to go to - in Moscow, for some time in search of work and housing, you can wait with your child in a crisis center.
- It is imperative to consult a psychologist: it is very difficult to survive a breakup with an abuser husband on your own.
- Ensure safety for yourself and your child.
- Minimize communication with your ex-husband and enlist the support of loved ones and relatives. Avoid being alone with the abuser after a breakup.